…and I don’t understand women.

Against my better judgment, I clicked on a Mark Patinkin column on ProJo.com today. I think the fact that it mentioned a Providence building in the headline piqued my interest. I should have known better.

First of all, Mark Patinkin is an amazing feature writer. When he goes out and finds a human interest story, he can tweak my heartstrings and keep me reading for pages. But when he sits down at his home office computer to write his column, he makes me want to set my newspaper on fire (in this case, digitally).

As far as I can tell, once a month Mark sits down and looks around his house and writes what he sees, adding a tinge of bewilderment to pretty much everything. Then he looks through some crumpled up notes from his pockets where he wrote down all the things his daughters or their friends have said lately that make him feel old. If he’s short there’s the old standby of “my wife wants another pair of shoes, I just don’t get women!!”

I accept that I’m not really Mark’s target audience, since I know how to use a computer and new things don’t scare me. That’s why I don’t read his columns usually. And I would have given him a pass on today’s drivel today, too, seeing as it was my fault that I naively clicked expecting something worthwhile. But then I read this: “Red Sox prima-donna Manny Ramirez has a bad attitude, but he sure can hit.”

Now, a few lines previous to that he proves he’s behind the times because he couldn’t recognize any of the top iTunes bands (oooh, see how he slipped iTunes in there? Maybe he’s not so out of the loop after all…). But it seems that Mark isn’t on the Sports writers’ email list, because Manny has been awesome this year, playing harder than ever, talking to the media, and being all around non-Prima Donna-ish. This is inexcusable, there will be no disparaging any of the Sox, not this week. Stick to the reality TV stuff.

Hey Mark, you ever notice how you park in a driveway and drive on a parkway? Crazy! I bet the kids don’t even call it a driveway anymore. Double Crazy!

Bright spot: I will say that his last item was great (though it’s someone else’s material): “A Rhode Islander is someone who can pronounce ‘Quonochontaug’ but can’t pronounce ‘Westerly.’ ” There. I was nice.

Teenagers are craaaaaaazy!

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